My Serenity

On the day of my father's eve,
I search again for serenity.
Another thought lost and some more friends gained,
Cliched references to a life not quit.

Here I stay, with pain filled throat,
I tear, I repair and I loathe ;
This unknown reference pointing to lucidity
Another answer to the final question.

A new day dawns, a sky unfolds
Gives hope and a ritual foretold.
I await, eager to fulfill destiny
The soul and body reaching maturity.

It hurts, to live in agony;
It sears skin and heart with questions;
But there lies false solutions everywhere,
Can mind see truth in this worldly illusion ?

Scorned by the poor language,
Words inadequate to express thoughts.
Or is it the influence of wine and more
That fumbles intended poetry into conceited dribble ?

My father. Guide me. Or take me. Now.

Another thought, in another world perceived,
Here lies the eternal music beyond.
Sublimity in music and work and the world
How shall I write this beauty felt in words.

Amadeus. Da Vinci. Einstein.
My heroes. Consigned to flames of woe.
Every genius faces his misery,
The reward disguised unseen until the moment.

My moment, hopefully will be realized before it is late,
Here I watch, unfold a perfect story in harmony.

Alone in a city full of people,
Here I stare at fireworks along the shore;
Hours away, a test about to unfold,
For the physical and the pysche alike.

This marathon, I wanted for so long,
Shall push my physical limit to beyond.
Zones I thought I tamed by mind,
This body shall endure and conquer it too.

If this were to fail, then hear me,
This shall be my last strike.
For I will not quit this endeavor
Before tasting that medal awaiting me at 26.2 miles.

A long time feeling,
Of feeling afloat, in sea wide,
As far as eye can see, flowing with the tide,
Something missing in this life another.

Pressure from people I love,
Unwilling to fulfill what might be necessary;
This frantic soul escaping worldly needs
Would stillness of the breath bring peace within ?

Love untold to a woman beloved,
Here I type, without anyone beside,
There lies the black hole right by my side,
That I would love to bend my vision around.

Love. Vacation. More friends. I miss them all...

One of the best moving quotes about Mathematics, something I feel so close to and deeply about, in words I could barely fathom to think and create as poetry, Bertrand Russell gives a killer of a quote, I'm bound to remember till I die. Here it is:

Mathematics, rightly viewed, possesses not only truth, but supreme beauty, a beauty cold and austere, like that of sculpture, without appeal to any part of our weaker nature, without the gorgeous trappings of painting or music, yet sublimely pure, and capable of a stern perfection such as only the greatest art can show. The true spirit of delight, the exaltation, the sense of being more than Man, which is the touchstone of the highest excellence, is to be found in mathematics as surely as in poetry.

--BERTRAND RUSSELL, Study of Mathematics

O Fortuna is a poem from Carmina Burana, a collection of Latin poems written in early 13th century. I do not know what is enticing about the tune but the chorus, the rhythm resonates within me. For years, I have not known the meaning of the song and now here it is (translated to english).

O Fortune,
like the moon
you are constantly changing,
ever waxing
and waning;
hateful life
first oppresses
and then soothes
as fancy takes it;
poverty
and power
it melts them like ice.

Fate - monstrous
and empty,
you whirling wheel,
you are malevolent,
well-being is vain
and always fades to nothing,
shadowed
and veiled
you plague me too;
now through the game
I bring my bare back
to your villainy.

Fate is against me
in health
and virtue,
driven on
and weighted down,
always enslaved.
So at this hour
without delay
pluck the vibrating strings;
since Fate
strikes down the strong man,
everyone weep with me!

A song, gives me peace,
Elates me to places high,
Without crutches or weird tease
I see tranquility and perfect harmony.

Life moves me away
From serenity found and felt ;
Insane thoughts and crazy friends
Deviate this mind at rest.

Music, my final solution.
For years, yet there is an alternate
To cure this cancer of the mind,
Sangeetham, high hopes, chance,
What difference is there, in their meaning core ?

Darkness closing in at dusk,
Clouds protecting earth from sun's wrath,
Blood spilt beauty, another one of his prank,
Here lies serenity I've failed to see.

Where heaven seems to thrive,
In words and works so close by,
There is this aloof self struggling to get by.
How did life lead me to this dead end drive ?

In struggle, poetry survives,
Where flesh and bones struggle to capture,
Essence unknown and lost in souls.
Maybe there is meaning from all that thee derives.

I resist nevermore to all that occurs,
Cause and effect drive my life,
In motion, I stand still.
Here's to that new wave, the new year.

That weird feeling of nearing the end,
Where anger and passion shall transcend,
In heaven's depth and hell's doors
I shall ascend in glory evermore.

Surely never been devoid of wealth,
Self stricken and destroyed one's own health,
The feelings one loves, of buzz and booze,
Where will these high hopes be buried to be exhumed.

Another feeling, craziness tantalizing
Deliberate destruction in pain of losing one's own.
Here I am right now but where am I really ?
Now.